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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Hiatus

I know it's been a little while since I've posted, and in large part, recently, it has been due to some unfortunate family circumstances and to my general hiatus on wedding planning and wedding-related obsessive thoughts.  I am also likely going to be continuing the pause on posts through the holidays, as I get more focused on spending time with my family and enjoying this time of year.

Regarding the unfortunate family circumstances, I am sad to share that my paternal grandfather passed away very recently.  He had been in poor health for a while and then more recently, he broke his hip and was unable to have surgery for it due to his generally poor health status.  After being in the hospital for about a week and a half, his condition deteriorated and, ultimately, my family chose to take him off life support, per my grandfather's previously-stated wishes.  So, just a little over a week ago, my grandfather passed away surrounded by his wife, children, and grandchildren.  I went to Florida, where that part of my family lives, and was there for about a week participating in services and spending some healing time with my family.

I know that, typically, my posts are almost exclusively wedding-related and this post may seem more directly personal.  What I came to realize, though, during my grieving process - one which is ongoing and very challenging - is that his passing is very impactful on the wedding.  My grandfather would not have missed my wedding for the world; there is no question that he would have been there, would have been telling stories, and creating new ones for his descendants to tell with laughter.

When my wedding day comes,  I will feel his loss poignantly.  While I would not characterize my relationship with him as particularly close, he was still my grandpa and my first family member to pass away (excluding my great-grandmother when I was very young and who I had only met a handful of times).  I have been thinking about how unfair it was for him to go so close to the wedding and how I will honor him now that he cannot be there with us.

Re-reading what I have written thus far, I realize that my thoughts are not particularly well-organized or -written...and I'm choosing not to change that because it reflects how I have been thinking about how I have been feeling.

In the end, what I really mean is that I love him, he will be missed, and I will feel his absence on the day I wed.